Value husband who forgave affair or cut him loose [Ellie]

Question: My husband can’t get over my recent affair. I don’t feel guilty; I needed it. Our marriage of 11 years had been dull and routine. He’s happiest sprawled on the couch watching sports, won’t travel or go out much. He’s a good father, but all we talked about were the kids.

Then I met this out-of-town guy at a work conference. He thought I was fun, pretty, witty — and we soon started an affair. Whenever he could come to town, I’d meet him at his hotel and spend hours there, “working late.”

Unfortunately, his wife suspected — this wasn’t his first time cheating. She snooped, found an email that mentioned where my husband worked and contacted him.

Though he was very hurt and angry, he didn’t want to divorce, and I’m happy to be able to keep the other parts of our lifestyle, including the house and the kids’ security.

But he keeps trying to woo me differently. It’s sad and pathetic to see him try to change his usual boring ways.

How can I make myself see him as the new guy he’s trying to be, without turning off and destroying him or looking for a real turn-on elsewhere?


Answer: Get a grip on what you’ve got. Your husband’s shown great love and forgiveness, and the courage to try to change himself for you — but if you’re never going to see him differently, do him the favour of letting him find someone who values him.

Meanwhile, he’s trying, and it can’t be easy for him while you’re still staying detached, critical and already thinking about trolling for someone else. If you’re foolish enough to go after another player, better look for an unattached one, or your husband will be hearing from yet another angry spouse.

And he won’t be giving you and your lifestyle another chance.

Question: I had a serious five-year relationship with a man 15 years ago but we broke up due to major differences. He had a then-adolescent daughter who was very sweet and well-behaved and stayed with us many weekends and for vacations, while we were together.

The man got engaged and married very quickly after we’d parted, and I heard that his daughter gained some stepsiblings and that it worked out well.

I eventually married and never saw the girl again, but at a distance, when I attended her father’s funeral.

Recently, she recognized me when passing on the street, stopped me, and introduced me to her husband and small child. She’s a lovely woman now, and her introduction of me was warm, and flattering. She said her memories of our past relationship were (like mine) very happy, that I’d been very good to her.

Is it appropriate for me to reconnect with this woman and her family? I felt she’d welcome me if I asked to visit, yet it’s been many years and she has a stepmother and her own mother.


Answer: You’ve been given a wonderfully satisfying gift of knowledge that you were important in a young person’s life and development. Appreciate this unexpected reward, but don’t seek more. Any need you feel to do this is about you, and not her.

She did not invite you to visit. Since you live in the same city, she could find you if she tried. Her life is already full with her own family, and may be perfectly happy with her extended family.


If you stay together after an affair, value the spouse who still wants you, or it won’t last.

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