Q: My boyfriend of six months and I (we are both 25) were friends for four years. We each had a baby, and we’d each separated. He seemed to take care of himself, care for his child and treated me very good. His child is a year old, mine’s almost 2.
Two months ago, he lost his apartment, moved in with his grandmother and stopped paying child support. He could lose his child, and has become a pothead who drinks. He mostly hangs out with losers and parties. But he has a good heart.
I cannot foresee us settling down soon. He never talks about the near future, but he says he wants to marry and have more children one day. I stay with him because he treats me well and we’ve been friends for so long. Should I stay or go?
Confused
A: Go! Fast! And stop telling yourself nonsense about this guy. He’s neither “good-hearted” nor treating anyone “well” when he’s behaving as an irresponsible loser. He may stay in this self-indulgent, potentially self-destructive phase for years.
Meanwhile, you have a child to raise alone and need to find “friends” with a like-minded sense of responsibility and the ambition to improve their lives, just as you hope to improve yours.
Q: My mother-in-law of 20 years is self-centered and arrogant. She turns on anyone who dares to confront her. She runs people down, lies or manipulates situations so she looks like a victim, and creates guilt trips.
Her partner is nasty, bullying and sexist. He’s even hit on me, though I was disbelieved. It was very difficult when we lived in the home country with them, especially as I was uncomfortable leaving our babies unsupervised with her. It caused resentment from her and rows between my husband and me.
I managed to get us to move here. My mother-in-law regularly has some “emergency” to make us feel guilty for leaving, and to not speak to us for months. Her partner has written offensive and abusive emails.
Worse, my husband’s never stood up to them and protected my children or me. I’ve lost respect for him. Whenever I’ve had words with her, I’ve been called “hostile” and “mean” toward the grandmother.
While I put on a different face for my children, I’m feeling depressed and beaten down. Is there anything anybody can do in such a situation?
Not Normal
A: Neither your mother-in-law or her partner will change. Only you can shift your feelings about all this. It doesn’t have to mean a marital split, though you’re trying to build a case for one as an “escape.”
But without changing your own reactions and showing your husband and kids other ways to respond to Mama Dominator, you’ll be feeding right into her guilt-trip dramas blaming you.
Go for counseling yourself, specifically to find strategies to rise above her tirades, and enjoy any silences. Her partner isn’t worth caring about at all. His mother affects your husband, due to old history, ingrained habits and misperceived duty. You don’t have to let their unhealthy dynamic infect your daily moods, living so far away.
See your doctor to check if any medical factor is causing you to feel especially low at this time. Then work on building positive feelings about your life with your children. Stay active, enjoy friendships. Instead of being angry with your husband for the past — yes, he let you down, but he too was “beaten” and knew no other way — show him how to live positively, too.
TIP OF THE DAY
When the future with someone looks bleak, don’t prolong the present.
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