Question: I’m 36, married to a man, 31. We both work full-time but decided to have a baby and hired a live-in helper, which is common and inexpensive here in Hong Kong.
I have a lot of friends with whom I like to go out for dinner and socialize. Since we also live with my in-laws, and my husband works evenings, I can come home from work to be with my baby, feed and bathe him, and then go out knowing both my mother-in-law and the helper are with him.
I only do this twice a month, instead of the much more frequent socializing we both did before.
Yet my husband’s now always angry with me, saying I’m not giving enough time to my child. And he won’t go out with me on his free night, though he’s with the child till 3 p.m. every day.
I must work; we’re saving to buy a house. And I must have some free time, our tiny house is crowded with five people, the baby isn’t missing attention. But there’s been nothing but fighting and criticism since we had him, which makes me unhappy.
Is my thinking all wrong, because I want some time out with friends, and with him?
Upset
Answer: Both of you need to adjust to being parents. . . not just you, not just in the way your husband believes is right, and not just your views on lifestyle, either.
Ask him to stop criticizing and start discussing, instead. You both have a full plate of work and responsibilities, and you’re going through this transition in a very full house. All these factors build tension.
Try to negotiate together what feels right for each of you and your baby. If the child is happy and well-provided for, if you’re happier when you get some socializing time, find out what he needs to feel okay with this, and what’s behind his criticism.
Perhaps it’s fear of the new responsibilities and costs of a child. This isn’t uncommon among new fathers. Or perhaps your in-laws are fuelling his attitudes, since they’re the ones left to babysit.
If you can’t handle this conversation together, it’s a good time to seek some couples’ counselling to help you two make the transition to being a parenting team.
Question: I’m 38, still “dating” my high-school sweetheart. We practically grew up together; our mothers are close friends. We both have steady jobs, we still love each other, but he won’t marry me.
For years, we were happy as things were. We’ve taken some small trips together, he sleeps over on weekends, and we have a lot of mutual friends we see as couples.
But he says that he can’t afford marriage, as then we’ll need a bigger place to live together (neither of us make a lot of money in our fields).
He makes sense but it leaves me with nothing to look forward to. Yet I can’t imagine not having him in my life. Do you think this relationship has run out of steam?
Still Waiting
Answer: Marriage isn’t the issue here — it’s the guy. You’re losing “steam” for him, and his no-hope attitude. He’s practical, but relationships need passion, too. Let him spend some weekends at his own place while you think about what you want for your future.
You may want to consider ways for you (and him) improve your earning potential, you may want to have a family and need to raise that question.
Or you may feel he’s your soul mate and you’ll continue as is.
TIP OF THE DAY
Every new relationship phase requires adjustment — communication helps, criticism hinders.
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