Question: I’m a male, 49, who’s been having some affairs and enjoying them. My wife of 23 years has lost interest in sex and just wants “good times” — travel, redecorating, seeing the kids graduate, marry, etc.
I don’t feel guilty about getting sex elsewhere, but I do worry about getting caught. Your thoughts?
Curious
Answer: My thoughts don’t matter here. And we already know the ones to which you admit. It’s your wife’s thoughts that’ll count, when you do get caught (most cheaters do, eventually), or contract an STD, bump into someone who knows your children, etc.
Think about how you’ll respond to any of those circumstances and their fallout, which can include divorce, costly support payments, losing some assets (including the redecorated house).
If you’re comfortable with those thoughts, it’s not my business.
Question: I met a guy a year ago, we connected, amazingly. We kissed and exchanged I-love-yous. However, I’m female and he’s gay.
After several months of mixed signals and blurred boundaries, I broke down and couldn’t do it anymore. He insisted we just take a break. I was devastated at the loss but he said we shouldn’t contact each other until the fall. I emailed him midsummer, he never responded.
Recently, I saw him from across the street, on my walking route to work at a time and location that made no sense. He looked so sad and forlorn, it broke my heart. I looked away and kept walking.
I tell myself that I hate him, that he hurt me, jerked me along, and put me through hell. The truth is that I miss him and wish we could be friends again. But is that naive? Is there a way to turn such a dynamic into a working friendship? (I do mean friendship — “playing house” proved far too hard on me and I’d rather lose the friendship than go through it again).
Torn
Answer: You made the call, based on your accurate assessment of what you could, and could not, handle emotionally. The next move is his.
If he’s bisexual, he may’ve felt perfectly comfortable with the relationship as it was . . . but you weren’t. Now, it’s only friendship you want, but he’d clearly hoped you’d go back to what was.
If he does contact you, remember: Unless there’s a change of heart from either of you, each has different goals for this connection. In that case, the dynamic will not work.
Question: I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years. I want to eventually live with him, marry, and have children. He’s not able to share his thoughts on this, saying how he doesn’t know because the time isn’t right.
We’ve both begun new careers and are financially not yet able to move forward. He says it’s not because he doesn’t love me.
But lately he’s been less loving and distant, while insisting things are fine. I’ve tried to be romantic and attentive, but it’s not being reciprocated. I’m worried that he’s gotten too comfortable. I love him and worry about ending it and making a mistake.
Confused
Answer: Here are some “translations” of what he’s saying:
“I can’t talk about it,” …. means he doesn’t want to talk about it.
“We can’t afford it,”… means I don’t want to bother looking ahead.
“I love you, but not tonight, honey,”…. means back off on your pressure to talk about the future.
Conclusion: He’s very comfortable just as things are. But, after seven years, you deserve the conversation you want, and some planning. Otherwise, consider taking a break.
TIP OF THE DAY
When “love” means something different to each partner, the relationship usually flounders.
I think that my husband is cheating, he acts like he is.