Question:
My boyfriend of several years and I built a relationship of love, mutual respect and trust. I have a child with whom he’s formed a strong bond, and we plan to all live together.
But I’m weary from how long everything’s taking, and why.
He’s heavily reliant on his parents. He’s been poor with money in the past (has debt), and still wastes money.
As an unsupported single parent, I must be extremely careful financially; I work very hard for very little. His work is sporadic; he can go for months unemployed . . . times when he’s even less careful with money.
He’s living with his parents. They continue to help him and then grumble to me!
He’s helpful in many ways, but I’m scared we’ll always be struggling with money.
He says I’ll always be a good influence on him, which suggests I’ll be worrying about money while he’s spending it. I want him to sort this out prior to moving in together, so I can feel secure.
Should I keep waiting?
Concerned
Answer:
Fact: He relies on everyone but himself. Prediction: You’ll always be struggling with, and about, money. Override: If you and his parents can agree it’s time for this charming spender to grow up, and if you all cut him loose, he may take responsibility for his finances, and become the stable provider you need.
It means his parents have to ask him for rent and insist that he keeps a job to pay them; plus, they have to refuse requests for extra cash.
It means that you have to put off talk about moving in together. Your position should be that you need a six-month break from a relationship that’s in limbo, while he’s squandering the chance to make a home with you and your child.
It’s up to you and his parents to set these firm boundaries; it’s up to him to prove he’s a stand-up guy who can be counted on as a future partner.
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