Mygripe Many women, especially those who are married, cringe at the thought of telling their spouses to use condoms in the event they have sex outside of the relationship. They feel that to do so is tantamount to giving him the go-ahead to be unfaithful.
But for 37-year-old Shameila, this is something she would encourage every woman in a relationship to do. In fact, she says women should get the condoms and give it to their men.
“I would tell women to encourage their men to use condoms because the reality (of sexually transmitted diseases) is out there,” said the woman who has lived with HIV for the past six years. She contracted the virus from a spouse who rejected her suggestions to use condoms outside of their relationship.
“Women have to take the fact that HIV/AIDS is out there as a reality check,” Shameila added, in a telephone interview with AW last Thursday. “You know that the disease is out there; you don’t want it to come home to you,” she warned. Shameila said that while she was in her relationship for four years, she would not only encourage her partner to use condoms outside of their relationship but also gave them to him.
“Whenever I go out, I would pick up a stack of condoms for him and a stack for myself. But he would refuse them or throw them down and ask me why I was giving them to him,” she said. “I am the type of woman who would from time to time check his stock to see if any was missing… I remember one time three were missing and I replaced them, and he got upset because I did that.”
Shameila said she felt he reacted in that way because he did not want her to think he was cheating. “I am always expecting the unexpected, so it was more fun for me to top it up than anything else. But he would be very annoyed,” she said. Then one day her worst fear came true; she learned she was HIV-positive.
“My only reaction was to let my mom know,” she recalls. “God gave me a kind of humility… I didn’t argue with him. At first it was a kind of blame game, but I never went outside of the relationship, so I reminded him of the times when the condoms were missing.” She and her partner have since separated and this, she says, was more out of guilt on his part.
“He is now living abroad. But I don’t think that even today he is understanding of the facts around it (living with HIV/AIDS) and that would hamper me,” Shameila said. “So based on my reality, I would tell women to encourage their men to use condom outside.”
Meanwhile, counselling psychologist Lola Allen-Jones said while the ideal thing should be one woman to one man, this is not the reality in society. It is therefore critical, she said, that people use protection. “We live in a promiscuous society; that is the harsh reality,” Allen-Jones said. “Men and their egos will feel that they should have more than one woman. And so a woman has to be practical.”
She noted that women who encourage their partners to use condoms outside of the relationship or women who give condoms to their partners are not encouraging the act, but rather saying to the men ‘I don’t trust you’ and ‘I need to protect myself’.
“A woman has to be practical. I wouldn’t see it as encouraging the man to go out there; it is more protecting yourself because the truth is that you don’t know what the woman (outside) is doing, and they can say anything,” she told AW. “So while the ideal thing should be one woman, one man, that is not happening. You (therefore) need to be practical.”
“I would say however, stick to one partner, if not, then ask yourself ‘Do you want to get caught?” added the counselling psychologist, while noting the high number of people living with HIV/AIDS. Mygripe
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