There is this believe that everyman is a father and that is a myth that needs to be address. The past few weeks I have had opportunity to discuss what make a good father. This issue came about because of the number of single parents decided to get together to discuss the reasons why they are having, to raise children by themselves.
One of the fundamental issues that were discussed is the fact that the majority of young single parents seems to have fallen into the same trap. They all get involved with men who have already father a number of children with different women. They seems to be unable to realised that if a man has had several children with at two or three women then the pattern there should allow these women to realise that he his definitely not a keeper.
Trying to understand the reasons why they fall into this trapped and the greater majority of these women say that they fall in love. There are no reasons that young people should not fall in love, but before any women take the steps of having children they must weigh up the pros and cons of the individual that they have decided to have children with. If a man as children and he cannot find the time to spend with his children irrespective of the fact that he may not be in a relationship with their mother then it stand to reason that should he father another child with the current girlfriend then he is going to behave in the same manner as before because unfortunately leopard does not change it spot.
One of the things that annoyed me is that the in the Black community there is a 65% of women who are single parent and 45% of Black men do not have any contact with children that they have fathered and these children are being raised by their mother and other family member. This is unacceptable in a civilised society and one cannot lay all the blame at the foot of these men women has to answer as well because they are the ones that are carrying these children.
It is time that especially Black women realised that fathers are created, and dads are made. Anyone man can be a dad, but it takes a great man to be a father.
What a lot of men do not seems to understand is that you do not have to be living with or in a relationship with the mother of your children to be a great father. It is important that fathers step up to the plate and let their children know that not only are they loved, but their fathers are going to be there for them until they reach the age of majority and even after that they will be there for them.
Our children are failing in school because they lack the stability that is necessary in a two parent family, and whether it is ‘cool’ or not it is proven that majority of children that are living with both parents excel in most things and that is down to stability.
I came away from that meeting feeling drained listening to single parent who believe that they were too tired to help their children with schoolwork, taking them to the park and interacting with them because they, as they say ‘cannot find the time’. With cooking and cleaning and desperately trying to keep a roof over their heads and not having any support from the biological fathers of these children has taken a toll on many of them. In the process the children gets left behind. They are made to fend for themselves, so it is no wonder that these kids go off the rails and end up committing petty crime and before it is recognise they have a string of juvenile records before they are even 12 years old.
These men need to be made to understand the devastation that they are causing by not being responsible and caring for their children. They need to be made to see the result of their actions and until most Black men see what has happen when they choose to stay out of their children’s life then we will continue to have made dads instead of created father.
We cannot allow this generation to continue along this trend, absent fathers are the most damaging aspect of a child life and that is in my opinion. Children need that bond between them and their fathers. They need to be able to talk to them about issues that they find difficult to discuss with their mother and when those fathers are absent then the child have a tendency to see the information from another source, most likely a surrogate dad and not all of these surrogate are going to point them in the right direction.
My plea is to young female, be selective in the men that you choose to be the father of your children. If you want to be parents then there are aspects of our life that we have to sacrifice to give our children the best start in life and stop this rut of single parents from escalating.
There are always going to be single parents because of divorce, death separation and that is something that we have no control over, but do not let these be the reasons for fathers not being in their children life. Your children need you and you need them, give them a chance to be all they can be.