Initial loneliness is far better than losing your dignity
Question: I’m 26, male, in a one-year relationship with a terrific woman, 30. I never had so much feeling for anyone before her. However, her ex-boyfriend (two years together) has always been trying to win her back via emails/text/phone calls.
He’s her “financial/investment” adviser. I never thought much about their contact, until one night when we got home and he messaged her. She insisted they’re only friends and discussing “investments” . . . yet he knew what we were doing and where we’d been. I felt betrayed.
Recently, I discovered they’ve been emailing back and forth while he’s away on business and ending with, “wish I was there,” “thinking of you,” “Kisses,” etc. When confronted, she denied, and then confessed he reached out and she was vulnerable/foolish enough to fall into the trap.
She finally admitted there are still some feelings toward him — in her words, 98 per cent for me and 2 per cent for him. She’s apologized repeatedly, admitted her mistake, and cried, but is honest about how she feels and understands how hurt I am.
After some thought, I pulled myself out of the picture, stating this isn’t fair to me. I feel dead and walk around emotionless, go to bed in tears and have this huge hole in my gut. Did I pull the right move or am I just lonely?
Emotionless
Answer: Better to feel numb awhile, than continue to feel betrayed. She’s not over her ex, period. You were wise and saved yourself worse grief by leaving with your dignity and self-respect intact. Had you stayed, you’d be constantly checking up on her, doubting her, resenting any contact they have even about finances.
If she asks for another chance, insist she find another money man (or woman!), one you both trust professionally and personally. And be sure she’s with you 100 per cent.
Question: I’m female, 20s, working in a male-dominated field. A co-worker, 60s, had long been finding me alone and asking intrusive personal questions, i.e. about my social life, relationship status, dating history, plans for marriage and having children.
He made comments on my physique and oblique questions about spending time with him on weekends. For the last two years I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder. No eye contact, no verbal contact, nothing.
Yet at Christmas he left a small gift and card addressed to me in a common work area where other co-workers would see it. I left it alone, and assume he took it back.
Now, he tries to chat in front of others knowing that I cannot ignore him without appearing rude. I’m still avoiding eye contact, and keeping interaction to the bare minimum.
Routine human resources procedures here are often bungled or delayed. If I were to make a formal complaint it’s highly likely that I’d be seen as a liability or troublemaker. What’s the best way to handle this now?
Harassed
Answer: Keep a record of his intrusive behaviour, i.e. the personal questions despite your discouragement, the references to weekend time together, the gift, etc. You may need it in future.
Meanwhile, when he next speaks to you — even in front of someone else — say simply, “I’m focused on my work and don’t wish to chat.” If you have a chance to speak privately, be even firmer that you are strictly co-workers, not conversation buddies.
If you feel further harassed and concerned, a formal complaint is essential; if it’s ignored by HR or creates hostility towards you, take your records to a higher authority in your jurisdiction i.e. a Human Rights Commission.
TIP OF THE DAY
When an ex reappears, take a break.
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