Question: I’m a female, mid/late 20s, and have a lot going for me — stable career, great friends and family. I’m athletic and enjoy travelling and relaxing with a good book.
A lot of my friends are getting engaged or are in serious relationships. I’ve tried to meet guys through sports, volunteering and friends. However, there seem to be very few guys out there who aren’t looking for more than a one-night stand.
Should I just give up and embrace being single? I’m sick of first dates and guys dumping me after two months because they’ve changed their mind. What does a girl have to do to find a good quality guy?
Answer: You can’t “embrace” your present status, if you sign yourself as “sick” of it. More telling, you describe your qualities as if placing a Personal Ad seeking the perfect-fit partner ASAP. But this is an advice column, where you can thoughtfully probe how to improve your life and attitude.
It all sounds normal, productive, full, and mostly satisfying. Now, you have to believe it. Why? Because it’s essential to getting to the stage where the right guy does take you seriously, for the long-term.
For every male you’ve met, looking only for a “one-night’er” or surfing short-lived relationships, there are just as many women like you who are too obvious and needy about wanting a full-blown relationship right away. It pushes guys away, rather than draws them to you.
However, when you find that happy place in your current situation, where you’re not only enthused about your activities and plans, but prefer to carry on singly rather than try out some guy, you’ll be a magnet for serious interest.
Question: I’d been with my girlfriend for 18 months and things weren’t terrible but, like many relationships, went “stagnant” at that point. She said we’d both benefit from some “time apart,” which we took. I then discovered she’d been pursuing another man for the month prior to our break and that she slept with him within ten days apart.
It’s evident to me she only wanted the so-called time apart to pursue (and consummate) this other relationship.
I was extremely hurt, betrayed, angered, disappointed, and beyond despair.
She broke off with the other guy and says she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I love her, but cannot move past the visions of the two of them together, the lies she told and the pain she caused. Am I wrong in feeling this way?
It’s been three months and she’s angry I haven’t been able to “move forward.” Moreover, every positive memory is now tarnished in my mind, and things can never be the same, no matter how much we both want it to work. Is our future doomed? How do I deal with this?
Answea: You both need a rethink. It’s her responsibility to try to move the relationship forward again, and then yours to try to get past her fling. She needs to explain what she found lacking in your previous connection, and/or why she was in such heat to audition this guy as your replacement (and why they didn’t last).
Once she’s open with you, it’s your turn to reset your image of you two as a happy couple. If you both sincerely want to stay together, you’ll likely need counselling — both together and individually — to help you do this.
TIP OF THE DAY
The right person often comes along when you’re most content with yourself, not desperate for change.
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