When it comes to fashion victims, men rule

THE mayor of the Italian town of Castellammare di Stabia has banned women from wearing short skirts, low-slung jeans and plunging necklines.

He maintains that it’s an attempt to guard against anti-social behaviour and is threatening to fine women who break this law.

Well, if I were the mayor of my town (Sydney) I’d probably issue a few bans myself, not on women’s clothing but on the sartorial and grooming choices of certain men.

► Cargo pants. It seems that every new father under 40 has to wear them permanently. Everywhere I look I see dads wearing shorts that aren’t quite trousers and trousers that aren’t quite shorts: khaki, mid-calf, with the same 27 pockets. Note to all fathers: you’re no longer 12 and that growing bum crack is looking less and less appealing.

► Bermuda shorts paired with long socks and lace-up shoes. Any man who wears these should be banished to a 1950s lawn bowls competition accompanied by an accordion player and a lunch of cocktail frankfurts, canned pineapple pieces and pickled onions on toothpicks.

► Three-day growths. Who do you think you’re kidding? All women know that it takes an exceptional amount of preening to maintain such an illusion of careless abandon. It hurts when you kiss us and leaves our cheeks with gravel rash. Do us all a favour: stop staring in the mirror and buy yourself a razor.

► Tracksuits and runners when you’re not exercising. For some men it becomes a uniform. About the only place they don’t wear them to is the gym, because they haven’t yet joined one but they think wearing the trackie daks constantly will allow them to enjoy a placebo effect.

► Beards. I know some women think they’re sexy but not this aspiring mayor. Here’s two words for you, girls: Joaquin Phoenix. Which would you prefer to date, the rapper with the unruly, matted mane or the clean-shaven actor with the exquisite cheekbones?

► Hoodies. It’s not raining. It’s not cold. And unless you’re planning to hold up a convenience store, it’s not a good look.

► Cravats. Any man who isn’t gay or Matt Preston should refrain from draping colourful knotted cloths around their necks. To this aspiring town mayor, it looks pretentious or silly. As does the string tie, the backwards baseball cap and those childish plastic crocs.

That’s it. I’ve stated policies.

Votes, anyone?

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