Creating a connection based on materialism can come back to bite you
Question: I’m in a five-month relationship with a girl 14 years younger than me. We’re both originally from Asia, but with different backgrounds. I met her working part-time in a spa. She’s beautiful, polite and trustworthy. Our first sexual encounter was phenomenal.
Whenever we’ve gone out (several dinners) she treated me so well, making me feel like I should do more for her. I bought expensive gifts which she accepted happily but advised me not to waste money on her. I wanted her to go shopping before her preplanned vacation trip, so I gave her my debit card. She protested, but took it just to make me happy.
Recently, the nursing home where my mom, 84, lives called. She fell and needed immediate surgery, which will cost $3,000. I checked my bank account and noticed that my girlfriend hadn’t spent a penny over two weeks’ time. I’ve now sent all my funds back home for my mom’s treatment.
I immediately emailed my girlfriend that the money has been depleted for an emergency reason. I didn’t mention details. However I put money back one day later when I got paid.
She’s emailed me her disappointment and frustration, saying that I don’t trust her. I explained the whole story in my next email, but to no effect.
Under Fire
Answer: What’s wrong with this picture? Despite your desire to win this young woman back, you should recognize that you’d already set yourself up for trouble by treating her like a prize possession, using pricey treats as the ties that bind.
A few dinners and hot sex do not automatically become a trusting and equal relationship. And you don’t gain one merely by showering someone with expensive gifts, when there’s no special occasion.
You created a connection based on materialism, and it’s come back to bite you. Once you explained your mother’s need, something you should’ve done immediately, a caring girlfriend would’ve understood, and got past any hurt feelings. She hasn’t.
Unless you hear from her very soon you can believe this romance was about the money, honey, more than mutual feelings.
If anything does resume between you two, or in any future dating you may do, rely on warmth, helpfulness and getting to know each other to build a bond, before you start doling out cash.
Question: My family desperately needs help coming back together with my in-laws. We have two teenagers, 19 and 16, and it’s been ten years since I’ve seen my in-laws or anyone from my husband’s family including my nephews and nieces.
Desperate
Answer: Start with the children, the most likely draw between the divided sides of this family rift. Since you’ve told me nothing about what caused this cold war, I’m proceeding (as your family should) with the belief it no longer matters.
What does have value is your desire to reconnect.
Tell your teenagers some positive things about their father’s family: an aunt’s sense of humour, a grandfather’s fishing prowess, or a remembered happy occasion, whatever.
Meanwhile, your husband needs to contact his parents, apologize for whatever part you and he played in the distancing (it’s long ago, so if you want this reunion you both have to forget your pride), and say how much you and the kids hope to see them again.
Then you and your husband need to extend the first invitation, something casual such as a park picnic, for the family to get together with youngsters included.
TIP OF THE DAY
Showering expensive gifts in early dating sets up expectations about far more than love.
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