Question: I love my husband more than he loves me. I always put him first, before family and friends, I think about him a lot. Yet he’ll forget to call me.
He’ll drop plans with me to hang out with his friends. He acts like hanging out with me at home and going to my family or friends’ events is a favour.
He stays out until the bar closes, till 4 a.m., or crashes at a friend’s house if it’s the weekend. He sometimes returns at reasonable hours on weekdays but calls it his “curfew.” He sleeps on the couch almost every night because it’s “easier to wake up.”
I get angry when he breaks plans with me. He says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take someone making me feel like this, but I can’t imagine life without him.
So Sad
Answer: You’ve both got it all wrong: you, for thinking marriage means burying your own identity in something called “togetherness,” him for turning buddy nights into a get-out-of-jail pass.
The question isn’t who loves more, but rather who can push the other away furthest and fastest. His “couch” is how he avoids the controls you try to exert through neediness.
You need to agree on a routine that includes going out together, staying home and having time apart — without someone having to make demands, and the other run away.
Question: After moving in with me three years ago, my partner started missing work and was fired. She used her savings to pay her bills and never paid for rent food or entertainment. My job is stressful. I’ve expressed that, if she’d contribute, I could take a less stressful job, which pays less. We often argue because I want her to get a job, any job.
She’s extremely shy and often thinks she has a social disorder. She has no relationship with her family. I want to get married and have children, but can’t see how this will work with her. I love her and want to help her but she’s become depressed and distant. She plays computer games or sleeps all day.
I’m afraid she’ll hurt herself if we do split. Yet, I want to be happy and be with someone that wants things out of life. I feel lonely because she won’t talk to me about her feelings. She has no goals, no ambition. We cuddle and kiss, but the bed has gone cold.
Feeling Stuck
Answer: You do need to help her, but in directly proactive ways to get her to a doctor and get treatment for her depression and any other mental health issues.
You do not need to carry her on your shoulders indefinitely. Being a partner doesn’t designate you as The Rescuer, so drop that role.
Hopefully, with individual therapy, she’ll gain energy and a desire to be productive again. She may also return your love and resume a sexual relationship with you, so you two can become a happy couple. Be prepared that this will take time and patience on your part.
While she needs you now, you have a right to move on eventually, if you still feel that desire when she’s stabilized and working on improving her own life.
Meanwhile, forget the “get-a-job” argument. You’re using it as a smokescreen for being unhappy, but she’s more “stuck” than you are. Meanwhile, she may be able to apply for disability assistance, if her doctor feels she’s incapacitated by mental health problems.
TIP OF THE DAY
Being “together” must also allow for agreeing on time apart.
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