THE death of a child often puts great strain on a couple, sometimes even resulting in a break-up of the union. Clinical psychologist Dr Karen Richards said this is because the couple may not know how to cope with the grief that ensues.
“The divorce and separation rate goes up massively when a child dies,” Dr Richards said. “And most couples who lose their children, a significant number then part later on, then divorce. And that is so sad because that is the time when you need each other probably the most.”
Forty-six-year-old Collette M saw her marriage of two years heading downward after losing her first child when he was choked to death by the umbilical cord moments after being born. To this day, she felt that her husband’s lack of support during her pregnancy played a part in the death of their baby.
“He caused me a lot of stress and it would really affect me,” Collette said. “I can’t really explain it but I know the level of stress I was feeling must have affected the baby and helped in the way it turned out.”
This, she said, she made clear to her husband.
After the loss of her first child, Collette found out that he had got involved with another woman.
“I don’t know if it was his way of dealing with it, but after his affair things got worse.”
But despite his affair, Collette got pregnant again. However, the relationship was far from perfect as his affair continued. After giving birth to two other children, their fourth child was stillborn. Their marriage ended a few years later.
“I think we never really got over the death of the first child and the fact that I felt he was responsible. The second death only made matters worse,” Collette explained.
“My experience and research have shown that when there is the death of a child, there can be a tendency for one person to feel that they are grieving more than the other, and so they tend to blame the other for not feeling anything,” Dr Richards explained.
“Part of the argument that allows a marriage to deteriorate is the differences in grieving,” she said. “So for example, I can think about a number of cases where the mother has turned the bedroom into a shrine. It stays just the way it was the day the child left the room and didn’t come back — the cuddly toys, the photos, the uniform laid out on the bed, etc. Now that may be one person’s way of dealing with grief. But if you are the other parent and your way of dealing with grief is to compartmentalise, that means you would change the room, put things away, not necessarily get rid of them, but you don’t necessarily want to have a shrine in the house — that’s when you can now have conflict.”
This, she explained, is because one parent feels the other is not grieving and therefore did not love the child.
“There is a difference in the way persons grieve because no two people are alike,” she said. “There are times when one parent believes the other is not grieving enough, or is grieving too much, or not grieving in the way they would like, that is when certain amount of conflict can arise.”
She explained that other reasons that can lead to a conflict in the relationship are guilt and lack of intimacy.
“A lot of the times parents live with this fallacy that their role in life is to protect their child at all times. It’s a fallacy that cannot be totally possible. You can’t shadow your children every step of the way through life. And sometimes that feeling of ‘I have failed’, ‘I did not protect my child’ steps in. So some parents feel guilty that they were not able to protect the child.”
She added: “Remember also, that a child is conceived through sex between these two people and so this is one of the things that for some couples will get messed up. Also, if you are at loggerheads as to what kind of grief is acceptable and what is not acceptable, then that too will affect intimacy.”
Sometimes the loss can be so traumatic and one parent cuts him/herself off from the other so much that the consequences are dire.
“Some people may become so depressed after losing their child that they may actually commit suicide or may at least think about it,” Dr Richards said.
How to keep your relationship going after your child has passed
According to Dr Richards, there are things a couple can do to keep their relationship going after the loss of a child.
* Bear in mind that each of you are experiencing private grief and communal grief and as individuals your grief path always looks different.
* Try not to be angry with your partner if he/she appears to have moved to a different stage in their grieving and you have not been able to follow suit. It doesn’t mean that he/she loved the child any less.
* Recognise that grief patterns are unique to an individual and that no two people grieve alike.
* Recognise that there is no time limit for grieving. Don’t say after one or two years you should feel better.
* Seek out support from a bereavement organisation, your minister, church family, neighbours and the extended family.
* Some couples have a ‘replacement baby’. “They want a child again to help them cope. It’s almost like pretending that that child hadn’t gone, they were just reborn,” Dr Richards said.
* Do not beat yourself up over the loss, but allow your life to return to normal.
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