I am sick of this crime thing but I am not running away. I don’t like any of the three big countries enough to do more than visit them. But I have to be honest, this crime thing is making even Iraq and Afghanistan seem like very attractive prospects. Anyway, I am going to stay here and hope that I die of old age in my bed, not from a criminal’s bullets. They have already taken one family member, so I have tasted it.
That said, I am taking the chance to use this column to make this appeal to this special group of women, even though I know you probably don’t (can’t) even read this newspaper but you might know someone who does and that person just might share this with you. I am also doing it because I know women. We are smarter than men, we have been outsmarting them since the dawn of time, so if we love ourselves and our country, we can inform on them without them even guessing it could be us.
In the meantime, here is what I am asking. This is a big favour, considering that some of you are damned criminals too or you benefit directly from the proceeds of crime but, here goes. All gunmen have female relatives. They did not evolve from plants or drop from the sky. So, they have mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, nieces, wives, girlfriends, female cousins, baby mothers and daughters.
I am, therefore, asking every one of you who is related in some way to these horrible monsters, to report them. If you are afraid of them, then do it when they least expect it; leave the home, or even leave the parish. Do it secretly, don’t tell anyone before or after. Don’t use a phone that can be traced back to you. There are ways and means, think it through carefully, just do it. If you can’t be an informer, then find an excuse to leave them, just help the society get rid of them. Women need to rise up and be the smart people we are. They don’t have to know what you did.
I’m sure you observe as they bring home stolen goods, sneak the guns and bullets into the house; take off their bloodied clothes and even when they hide the bodies. Worst of all, some of you help to wash these bloody clothes! I know you know, and you may even overhear them planning, but you just retreat into dangerous and cowardly silence until the cops get them. Then you come on prime time television and bawl crocodile tears about how innocent and Godly your cursed and murderous brothers/sons/nephews/husbands were. Shame on you!
Give them up so that peaceful, tax-paying and non-violent citizens can live in Jamaica in peace. I pay taxes, I don’t break the law, I don’t even bribe cops and I don’t sleep with other women’s husbands, nor do I pretend to be a born-again Christian while back-stabbing my fellow man. And I don’t go to church and jump and prance in orgasmic fervour after I have done some wrong, relying on a forgiving God. So, I am asking you women behind the gun men to give me a break and give up the criminal bastards you have the misfortune to call relatives!