Question: Eight months ago, I decided to separate from my partner of 17 years. He kept “our” 16-year-old son (we met when I was pregnant). We get together for family holidays and there’s no bitterness.
I’ve wanted to have more kids and buy a house (I’m 33). He wanted to keep renting to be near his dad, didn’t want more kids and wouldn’t marry me. He’s 58 and had been married and divorced twice.
Four months ago, through a dating website, I met someone my age. I told him up front that I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and he accepted that. He comes over late in the evening, and sleeps over.
We keep our conversations on light topics. When we text, it is only about when we’re getting together again for sex.
But now I want us to start dating seriously. It’s too soon to say this to him directly, and he’s starting to send signals that we’re “sex only.” How do I move him into a real relationship?
Still Lost
Answer: It’s not too soon, it’s too late. You’ve missed getting the other person’s message — yet again.
With your ex, you believed that an older man who is set in his ways would be prepared to change. Now you’ve given this new guy just what he wanted — regular booty calls, nothing more — but suddenly you hope to upgrade him to serious dating.
Forget it. It’s not going to happen.
There’s nothing between you and this man beyond the physical — no confiding, no cuddling, no caring, not even the most basic communication.
In your next relationship (this one won’t last) think ahead to what you really want in your life, and have the self-confidence and self-respect to go for it from the start.
Question: I’m an American woman whose husband was transferred to London for his work. We packed up our family (we have four children), rented out our home in a small town and moved for what I believed was a three-year stint at the most.
But my husband soon changed, and so did our lives. He started to leave early and stay out late, claiming it was the industry’s style. On weekends, he golfed with clients.
I was stuck in a suburb where I knew no one, couldn’t handle driving British-style, so was constantly on trains taking my children to their schools and activities.
I didn’t find people welcoming. Actually, I was so annoyed at being stuck there that I didn’t act very interested, either.
When my husband announced that he’d signed on for five more years, I left with the kids. I was sure he’d miss us and come home.
But I soon heard through the company grapevine that a colleague became his live-in girlfriend within months. We’ve since divorced.
I keep wondering if it was a set-up. He denies it, but I find it suspicious that he found someone so easily and so fast. He used to travel for work to London fairly regularly before we moved there. Was I played, and just too stupid to know it?
Swept Aside
Answer: It doesn’t matter any more. The marriage is over, the kids are with you and still need their father in their lives if at all possible.
So focus on making that work, as equitably and civilly as possible.
Worrying over whether or not you were played will only make you angry with yourself and him. It’s a waste of the energy and the self-confidence you need to re-establish and enjoy your life back home.
TIP OF THE DAY
The things you accept early in a relationship are often what you dislike but can’t change later.
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