Question: I’ve been in love with my best friend for four years. We agree we’re a “perfect match.” However, he’s a world-class athlete and I’m overweight — which is a problem for him. I’m athletic, and go to the gym regularly, but I can’t lose weight easily.
My friends have voiced concerns: some think I should cut all ties. Others think he truly loves me but can’t accept me as I am.
He flirts with me, and relies on me for emotional support. But he disregards my feelings, often talking about other girls. A mutual friend attempted to have a fling with him. He said it was a misunderstanding but she swears he was willing to disregard my feelings.
He’s upset with himself that he doesn’t find me romantically attractive but says he cares for me deeply and even loves me.
Am I wasting my time? I’m unsure I can cut him out of my life.
Stuck
Answer: You’re suffering from “static cling” — clinging to hope he’ll suddenly want you, with that dream going nowhere.
He “loves” you, as his constant ego-booster. But he sure doesn’t do much for your ego.
It’d be a mistake to lose pounds just to “get” him. (So if you gain weight after a pregnancy, does he then leave you?)
However, if overweight’s an issue for you, for your self-confidence to develop relationships with others, then consider seeing a nutritionist who can help you explore what else is needed beyond your exercise regime.
Meanwhile, consider him as a friend only, period. If you absolutely cannot, then his non-acceptance is holding you back . . . so say goodbye, and move on.
Question: I’m a male, 19, feeling insecure and sometimes jealous in my six-month long-distance relationship.
We met in an online game. We’ve talked about what we expect from a relationship, and our future.
I want a long-lasting connection, so felt it was necessary to communicate my insecurities and how I react (silent, sullen, passive).
What “upsets” me can be another male chatting with her for an extended period, her seeming flirty when she’s just being friendly, awareness of others trying to flirt with her despite her objections, and her having serious male friends.
I may retaliate by “ignoring” her or with one-word responses. I know it’s destructive and unhealthy, so now I say something before it upsets me.
I’ve never confronted her with anger and suspicion, nor restricted her from anything. I repeatedly tell her I love her, show my affection, and am a non-judgmental friend. She’s assured me of how “perfect” I am to her: chivalrous, gentle, kind and romantic.
Yet, I fear I’ll lose her one day. That she’ll find someone more confident and secure, or be unfaithful sooner or later no matter how much I trust her. These thoughts hurt me; I’ve even cried myself to sleep. Something about me — how I think — is gravely distorted. But I can’t afford counselling.
Concerned
Answer: You don’t truly trust her because you don’t trust yourself. Insecurity isn’t unusual at your age, especially in a long-distance relationship with many absences and much of the communicating online, not in person. It leaves much room for misinterpretation and over-analysis.
Unfortunately, you’re driving yourself deeper into anxieties about this relationship. The more you project what can go wrong, the more you convince yourself it’s almost a reality.
Frankly, you cannot afford emotionally to not get counselling. Some community agencies offer affordable therapy, as do student counselling services and many faith communities. Seek this out.
TIP OF THE DAY
Insecurity can destroy a relationship, unless you confront it in you.
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