Question: I recently broke up after two years of exclusive dating a man I met online. I’d found his profile on a dating site.
This was what happened during our relationship. He didn’t date other women, but chatted and sent his photos, representing himself as single. His profile said he was seeking a committed relationship, even though he already had one with me.
I told him there were healthier ways to deal with not knowing what you wanted, and that the first one was being honest with yourself about what you were doing and also being honest with the woman you say you love.
I walked away. I don’t want to be someone who can’t forgive, but I can’t trade my self-respect for love. Please serve as my mirror so that I can believe that my broken heart is the result of doing the right thing.
Mirror-less.
Answer: Regard yourself with dignity and pride. You did the right thing. You showed him that there are women who won’t accept his “shopping around” after they’ve invested time and caring in him.
You’ve also proven to yourself that you know what you want, and it has to involve respecting yourself as well as your partner.
Question: Two years ago, my husband and I gave several thousand dollars to his two sisters and mother who live together, towards urgent mortgage payments. It was supposed to be a two-week loan; another family member would repay us. But the relative reneged and we got stuck.
Now, one of the sisters and the mother have declared bankruptcy. She never told their mother the loan came from us. I’ve suggested finding someone who can borrow on their behalf, paying back small amounts monthly and telling the mother, but there’s still no clear plan for repayment.
This money is part of a line of credit we’re trying to pay off, and it’ll take years longer if they don’t pay up. We bought our first house last year, have two cars, a young daughter and hope to have a second child, so repayment’s important.
My husband says let it go, he’s sure from experience with his family that it won’t be paid back. But I don’t want to struggle for the next five years when we were trying to help in good faith. The second sister doesn’t feel she was involved in getting behind in the mortgage and won’t contribute to paying anything back.
Never Again
Answer: Others in this story were not “in good faith” and may never be. Your husband’s aware of his family’s flaws when it comes to money, and is asking you to back off. He likely fears losing the relationships altogether, if you push for repayment.
Of course, you’ll have already lost respect and affection for these people who basically took what they could get from you. Still, you two need to assess whether it’s worth becoming estranged from both sisters – and possibly his mother, too – just when you’re building a young family. Discuss this together, and have compassion for your husband’s feelings, including embarrassment and hurt.
Meanwhile, he can approach the relative who reneged and see whether any arrangement can be made. Otherwise, like many others, you may just have learned a lesson — luckily, while you’re young enough to eventually get rid of this loan — to not “lend” money to relatives who have a history of poor financial management.
TIP OF THE DAY
By refusing to accept repeated betrayals you preserve self-respect, instead of suspicion and pain.
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